A Man's Heart Read online

  Chapter 21

  Jules made the hospital drive early the next morning. Today would be a long one in the fields, and she might not make it back to visit Sophie later. The thirty-minute drive allowed time to drink coffee and watch the sunrise, spreading golden rays across the potato fields.

  It’s a glorious morning. What’s it like up there? Down here things are going pretty well. Crops are looking real good this season. My experiment is coming along well. Every eligible suitor in the county wants to date me—or the magic potato. Sophie’s coming along slow, but sure. Guess I’ve got about everything I need to be content.

  Everything but one thing. Cruz.

  She nearly spilled her coffee when the admission slipped out. Thank goodness she was talking to Pop, and not to the Lord. The Lord might have choked on the thought. How many times had he given her the love of her life and she pushed it aside?

  Her thoughts turned to when she’d left the house this morning. Crystal was up scrambling eggs for Livvy. The little girl was an early riser. When Jules had pretended to eat part of the child’s breakfast, the toddler squealed.

  “Stop! Aunt Jube!”

  Pouring coffee, she’d said over her shoulder to Crystal, “I’m having the church book club in tonight. Make sure the house is clean.”

  Crystal glanced around her. “Is it dirty?”

  It was. Always, if not dirty, more like ransacked. Jules’s sister was trying but her skills hadn’t improved. “Just spruce it up a little, and would you mind sticking a cake in the oven? The women will be over around seven.” Setting the cap on her thermos, she started to leave.

  “I’ll be happy to. I planned to bake Lucille something and take it over later.”

  “Lucille Miller?” When Crystal was little, Lucille had taught her Sunday school class. For some reason, her sister had latched onto Lucille and the two became close friends. Lucille grieved when Crystal moved to Florida. “Have you seen Lucille since you’ve been back?”

  “The kids and I drive by and check on her nearly every day. She’s getting a little feeble now.”

  “Mmmm.” Jules was so busy she’d neglected Lucille. She hadn’t visited her in months. “Be sure and vacuum around the sofa. The kids have spilled Cheerios.”

  “Are the women in the study group around our age?”

  “Pretty close.” Crystal was attending church lately. Jules didn’t know if it was for the children’s sake or hers, but she had to give her an A for effort. She didn’t appear to have formed any relationships, but perhaps that was her choice. Jules never asked. A knot formed in her throat. Now why had she mentioned the book club? She should have straightened the house herself and baked the cake. Now Crystal would want to join in.

  “That’s nice.” Crystal set a sippy cup in front of Olivia.

  “Are you and Haute going out tonight?” Jules hadn’t seen the man around in awhile, and hadn’t given him much thought.

  “No. Actually, we only had the one date.” She left unsaid, you put up such a fit I didn’t want to antagonize you.

  “You could have dated him all that you wanted.” Jules started out the door when she heard the wistful sigh. Ignore it. She wants you to invite her to the book club. You know that she’ll only embarrass you with her “I’m okay, you’re okay” thinking. Jules caught her thought. You should be ashamed of yourself, Jules Matias. Crystal is your sister, not some stranger living in this house.

  “I’ll bake the cake—and I’d be happy to squeeze lemons for lemonade,” Crystal said.

  Closing her eyes, Jules relented. “Care to join us?”

  “Honest? I’d love to! What are you reading?”

  “It’s a Christian bestseller fiction. Large, weighty stuff.”

  “Doesn’t matter. I’ll catch up.” She grinned. “Thanks, Jules. I’m sure I’ll enjoy the company.”

  She had no doubt that Crystal would enjoy the company; few things displeased her. The question was: would Jules survive the event?

  The hospital parking lot was nearly empty this time of morning. A few scattered vehicles dotted the parking spaces. Locking her vehicle, she spotted Cruz’s diesel and Adan’s Chevy pick-up. That was strange. They visited in the evenings when the work was finished. Her pulse quickened as she walked into the hospital and took the elevator to Sophie’s floor, thinking how her friend still had a long road to travel. Once the doctors were able to overcome the surgery complications, chemo loomed in her future.

  Sophie was dozing when she entered the room and quietly approached the bed. She spotted Cruz in a corner chair, asleep. Adan sat nearby. Sophie opened her eyes and reached out to clasp Jules’s hands. Pain-filled eyes stared up at her.

  “How’s it going, sweetie?” She glanced at the brothers.

  Shaking her head, Sophie’s hold tightened. “Not so well, Jules Bug. I’m glad you’re here.”

  Jules smiled when she heard the affectionate nickname. Sophie hadn’t called her that in a long time.

  Sophie struggled to sit upright. “What time is it?”

  “Very early.”

  “Oh?” Her head dropped back to the pillow. “I’ve lost all track of time.”

  “What’s going on?” Jules’s eyes indicated Cruz and Adan as she pulled up a chair and sat down.

  Sophie’s eyes filled with tears and she shook her head, pointing at all the medical apparatus now attached to her. “I had a bad night. I’m not improving.”

  “Nonsense. You’re getting stronger every day.” Jules bent close and kissed her forehead. “This too will pass.”

  Tears spilled from the young woman’s lids. “I’m not going to overcome this, Jules.”

  “Yes, you are.” She glanced at Cruz who was now awake, watching the conversation. Sophie couldn’t give up. Not now, not when she’d fought so hard. Was that the reason her brothers were here? To support this crazy reasoning?

  “I’m tired, Jules. Really, really tired. I’ve fought the good fight, and I’m losing. It’s time to let me go.”

  The thought was so foreign and out of the blue Jules couldn’t compute the request. “Has something happened overnight?”

  “Something different?”

  “Yes.”

  “Nothing’s different,” Cruz argued. “She’s had a rough night. She’s still making progress.”

  Sophie shook her head. “I’m not, Cruz. I’ve spent the same tortuous night I’ve spent every night since I came here—what? How long? I’ve lost track of time. It gets dark, and then it gets light. I don’t know if it’s Monday or Saturday. Are the flowers blooming? Is fall approaching? I don’t know anymore. All I know is pain and it’s not getting any better. We’re all kidding ourselves. The cancer was too far spread. I’m going to die and I think I should choose how that happens.”

  Jules stiffened. “No. You’ve had complications from the surgery. The doctors will get that under control. The doctors —”

  “Are doing all they can and they can probably keep me alive another few months, but at what cost? I’ve known almost all my life that I have an eternal home waiting for me, one free of pain and illness. My only qualm is leaving Ethan and Olivia, but I know that you will take care of my children.”

  This was medication talking. This wasn’t the Sophie Jules knew and loved. The fighter. The door-die Sophie. “Don’t talk this way.” She glanced at Cruz. “Tell her this is all nonsense, and the doctors will have the complications under control soon.” Jules’s hold tightened and Sophie winced. She relaxed her grip. “You can beat this —”

  “I can’t do it this time. This is life, Jules. God didn’t promise it would be a walk in the park. I don’t know why he chose to end mine so soon, but I trust what I trust, and believe that I’ll know more on the other side.” She opened her eyes to meet Jules. “Let me go, honey. I love you more than a sister, and I know life’s going to be tough for you without me around to cheer you on, but let me go.”

  Hot tears rolled from Jules’s eyes. She turned. “Cruz?”

&
nbsp; Cruz stepped to the bed. “Sophie has something she wants to ask you.”

  She touched a tissue to her eyes. “What?”

  Sophie spoke softly. “I want to remind you of your earlier promise.”

  “Regarding what?”

  “That you’ll take care of the kids until you decide who gets them. Cruz or Adan.”

  “Hey!” Cruz objected. “If anything happens to you, Adan and I will take care of the kids. I didn’t know you wanted to ask something crazy.”

  “It’s not crazy.”

  “It is!”

  “I want Jules to care for them.” Sophie’s features hardened. “When they’re a little older and the farm is in better financial shape, she can decide which of you gets custody. Right now, I don’t think you or Adan are in a position to assume full care of the children. Kids need lots of care and attention.”

  Cruz’s features tightened. “That’s a heck of an insult, Sophie.”

  “I don’t mean for it to be, and I’ve thought a lot about it, Cruz. I love you, big brother, and you too, Adan, but I want Jules to care for them in the immediate future. Later, when they’re more adjusted to my death, Jules can make the decision.”

  “Well that stinks.” Adan tossed his blanket aside. He got up and approached the bed. “Don’t punish us just because we haven’t married yet —”

  Sophie shook her head. “I know that you will, in your good time. And I know Cruz loves Jules more than he loves life, but he’s a stubborn fool. He’s letting emotions rule his life, and you, Adan, aren’t through sowing wild oats, my love.”

  Jules refused to meet Cruz’s eyes. He was in love with her? The declaration rang in her ear.

  “You’re mistaken, Sophie,” Cruz spoke stiffly. “I run my life just fine, and Jules isn’t in it.”

  “No, not now — not ever if you both continue to ignore what’s right under your nose, but that’s neither here nor there. Right now, Jules is settled. You guys aren’t—you’re on the ledge about to go over, and Ethan and Livvy need security. Without rain, you’ll lose the farm this year, so for now, the kids stay with Jules until she says otherwise.”

  “Those children are our flesh and blood. They belong to us.”

  “I’m not arguing that; but Jules will keep them until life returns to normal for them. It’ll be almost like having me — Jules has been around them since the day they were born.”

  “Jules was off to college for four years,” Cruz snapped.

  “I sent her pictures every day via internet. She sent them toys and cards — they love her like family, Cruz.”

  “I won’t take them.” Jules dabbed at her streaming eyes. The moment she agreed to take them, Sophie would give up, and she couldn’t give up. Jules wouldn’t allow her.

  “You will. When I’m gone, you will.”

  “No, I won’t.”

  Sophie went on as if Jules was mute. “I don’t want any of you crying and going all freaky on me. Dying is a natural process, and you’re going to experience it yourself one day, but not until you’ve raised Ethan and Olivia to be upstanding citizens in the community. Of course until it happens, I want to spend as much time with them as possible.”

  “Sophie —”

  “Shush.” Sophie enfolded Jules’s hand, holding strong. “We’ve done a lot of nutty things together, Jules, and now we have one more adventure to share.” With her other hand, she reached for Cruz. “When it’s time, you help me step over gracefully. And for heaven’s sake, Cruz, don’t let anyone see me looking like I do right now. I want to be cremated. Once I die, this body will go back to ashes anyway. When the time comes, I want Olivia and Ethan sitting right here on the bed beside me, sort of like a family picture. Will you see that it happens that way?”

  Cruz nodded. Jules turned away when she saw a tear course down his cheek. She shook her head. “This is like a bad dream—” When she’d started out this morning it was to visit Sophie, cheer her up, and not speak of gloom and doom.

  “But you’ll indulge me? When it happens, you’ll carry out my wishes? And you’ll make the decision on who gets my children. Cruz or Adan.”

  She glanced at the brothers. “They’ll both hate me if I do that. Right now, I only have Cruz’s disgust to contend with.”

  Cruz looked away.

  “My brother doesn’t hate you. He loves you. That’s his problem. They say that hate and love are a fine line. It’s up to you to help him step over his boundary.”

  “Come on, Sophie. You’re talking out of your head. And I’m standing right here. I’m not deaf. If you two are hatching up some plan —”

  “I’m dead serious, Cruz.” Sophie fixed a stern look on him.

  Sophie sighed. “The day will come when loving each other again will come as effortless as eating cotton candy.” Sighing, she closed her eyes. “I adore you, Jules, and if possible, I’ll be waiting at the Gate when you join me someday.”

  Jules’s expression broke. “I love you, Sophie. My life will never be the same without you.”

  “That can be good, can’t it?” She smiled. “Knowing some of the hare brained tricks that we’ve played on people, that can be especially good.”

  It was close to noon before the doctor came in and Sophie made her request to cancel treatments. No more nasogastric suction. No more antibiotics. No more tubes or noisy machines hooked to her.

  The doctor shook his head. “We can beat this, Sophie. I know that you’re discouraged, and the complications are worrisome, but you can’t give up.”

  “Will I ever be any better than I am today?”

  “We can give you a few weeks, maybe months …”

  “Can you make me comfortable?”

  “We’re doing all we can; I can’t up your dosage much more —”

  “Then let me go. At best, the cancer will take me soon and my quality of life will be nonexistent. Send me home with hospice and let’s get this over with. I want to spend my last days with my children.”

  Cruz snagged Jules’s arm and as they stepped into the hallway, where he turned her to face him. His distorted features pained her. “I don’t believe you!”

  “What!”

  “You refuse Sophie her last request, to take care of the children?”

  “If I agree she’ll die tomorrow, Cruz. I know her. She’s given up and it’s too soon to give up.”

  “Children.” Adan stepped out of the patient’s room to intervene. “Knock it off. This is the last thing Sophie needs. For once, put aside your petty feelings and do what she wants.”

  Whirling to face him, Cruz seethed. “You want her to raffle off which one of us gets our own flesh and blood?”

  Adan nodded. “If that’s what Sophie wants.”

  Jules intervened. “You just berated me for not doing what Sophie wants!”

  “Stay out of this, Jules.”

  “I don’t have to stay out of this! You just said—”

  “Stop!” Adan ended the ruckus. “Promise Sophie the moon, if that’s what she wants! We’ll sort it out later.”

  “She can give up all that she wants; it doesn’t matter,” Cruz stated. “She’s not leaving this earth until God says she does.” He stalked off, leaving Jules and Adan standing.

  “You knew he’d be resentful about the situation,” Adan reminded as they watched him walk away.

  Jules focused on Cruz’s tall, achingly familiar form stride down the hospital corridor. “I never thought it would come to this.”

  Settling his hat on his head, Adan nodded. “Sophie was right about one thing.”

  “What?”

  “He loves you, Jules, and it’s eating the man’s heart out.”

  “And I love him, but he refuses to acknowledge that I’m still here. What am I supposed to do? Club him down and make him marry me?”

  Adan settled his hat, jaw muscle flexing. “If that’s what it takes. Have at it.”

  Chapter 22

  The book club was the last thing on Jules’s mind when she
pulled into the farm yard later. One glance at her watch and she knew she didn’t have time to cancel the event, but she was still reeling from Sophie’s numbing announcement that morning.

  God, help me accept her wishes—but please don’t take her. I know that you can work miracles, and we’re all in bad need of one right now.

  God could do all things and be all things, yet she’d also come to believe that his ways were not always her ways, and she could only trust that he knew best though it was unimaginable to think of taking two small children’s mother.

  The aroma of baking brownies greeted her when she entered the kitchen. Olivia and Ethan ate their dinner, a nice grilled cheese instead of something they could stir or dump.

  Crystal glanced up with a smile. “Hi. Want a grilled cheese?”

  “Thanks, I’m not hungry.” Jules headed toward the bathroom medicine cabinet. A splitting headache was getting worse by the minute.

  “How’s Sophie?”

  Jules sagged against the sink and relived the awful day. How was Sophie? She’d just sealed her death sentence. “I’ll be in there in a minute.” She popped the top off the ibuprofen bottle and dropped two capsules into her mouth. When she returned to the kitchen, Crystal had poured her a cold glass of lemonade. “Sure I can’t fix you anything?”

  “Nothing. Thanks.” She sat down, her glance grazing Livvy and Ethan. Right now their innocent lives were untouched, but not for long. Would they even remember their mother, the impish grin that popped out at the most inopportune moments? The way her nose turned up funny-like when she laughed, or got all red and puffy when she cried.

  Dropping her head to the table, Jules fought back the urge to wail and beat her chest. Sophie couldn’t give up. Jules couldn’t imagine her life without her best friend.

  Crystal’s voice drew her back. “What’s wrong, Jules? Is Sophie worse?”

  Biting her lower lip, Jules’s eyes indicated the children, and Crystal changed the subject. “Want more milk, Livvy?”

  The child turned her palms up and wiggled her fingers.